Traumatized Kids

So, I am sitting here, early in the morning, drinking coffee, eating cheesecake, wanting to tell you about the children's class.

My mother, may she rest in peace (I move about at night and often wake her up), volunteered me to play the mandolin and teach the songs for a children's class - lesson 15 trust in God. The good advice to take in this situation is to heed not your frailties, which are:

• Mandolin is in bad need of tuning (I have no tuner, other than my ears).
• My ears are in bad need of tuning
• I don't really know the song
• I can't sing in tune, so I can't teach songs or I can teach songs out of key
• Random other frailties which abound in abundance but only subconsciously apply to this story.

The first step is to tune the mandolin. I spent most of the eve of and a better part of the morning of the children's class just trying to tune the mandolin. Each pair must be in unison, or it sounds awful, sometimes even awful enough for me to hear it. Each pair must be tuned with the other. And if you are lucky to be in possession of a reference (i.e. tuning fork, chromatic tuner, piano), at least one of the pairs should be tuned to the reference. I was not lucky. This is not so important for the marriage song, but, alas, the lesson was trust in God. So, I was totally hopeless (reread if you did not catch the irony of the last few sentences).

The next step is to learn the song. Open the book to lesson 15 song "That is How Baha'is Should Be." I don't really know the song well. I do not know all the chords - oh look, another frailty. Practice. Practice. Practice. OK, so not so much practice. The chords on the untuned mandolin sound awful. I have no idea what key I am playing in - not that it matters so much to my ears.

I arrive at the apartment (no not A-flat) where the class is being held. Say hello to the teacher, the helpers, the parents. I take one last, desperate try at tuning. As the kids start to trickle in (no accidents, that's just an expression), the cutest kids ranging from about 3 to 8 years, I noticed that one brother and sister are wearing these headbands. Then I noticed that these headbands were holding something on the ears. Hearing aids?

The teacher has a CD she's been playing the songs from. I take a listen. It is not the same version of the song that I've heard in the past. So, I suggested that we sing the song with the CD and then pull the mandolin out later.

Lets get started with prayers - English, Spanish, Signed. We sing some past songs, and learn this song and do the rest of the lesson.

Sorry for the interruption. I had to go feed the chickens, and the rooster and the rabbit. I collected two eggs. I know what I am having for breakfast ... other than the cheesecake.

It's Mando time. All the kids get quiet. You know, thinking about what I would say ahead of time would have been a good idea. So, introduce the mandolin, "This is a mandolin. Um. Um. Um. It is like a little Guitar." I remembered how much trouble the "I play a little guitar" joke got me into in a former life. I decided not to compare it to the violin. I went straight for the music. I strummed a few chords. That sounds awful. So, I decide to pick out a song or two. I said something about music, I don't remember what.

Mutiny! Then one of the girls cries out "Old MacDonald!" I tell them "I do not know 'Old MacDonald'" All the kids start to sing "Old MacDonald had a farm..." I thought that this is gonna pose a problem, but now, I think they wanted to teach me because I did not know the song. So, I pick out Yankee Doodle. The kids sing along. Then they talk about how they like macaroni. I played the first half of "The Irish Washerwoman". I didn't tell them what it was called to avoid complications. I said something like this, "This is a song from Ireland. Ireland is an island far away. The Mandolin is a popular instrument there." I don't really know the second half.

I thanked them for their attention. As I put the mandolin away, they started to sing "Yankee Doodle" and talk about macaroni again. I hope I didn't traumatize them.